You Can’t Love Someone Else Until You Love Yourself: Is It True?

You have probably heard it a hundred times: “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” It sounds wise, even comforting. But if you are in a relationship, or want one, it can also sound like a verdict. Are you doomed to fail because you do not love yourself enough yet? The truth is more hopeful, and more complicated, than the slogan.

Research gives a nuanced picture. A study by Sandra Murray, John Holmes, and Dale Griffin found that people with low self-esteem often underestimate how much their partners care about them, which can lead to distance and insecurity. Meanwhile, a longitudinal study by Deniz Erol and Ulrich Orth found that self-esteem and relationship satisfaction influence each other over time. So when you love yourself, it often helps your relationship, and a good relationship can help you love yourself.

This guide explains where the saying comes from, what is true and false about it, seven shocking truths, and practical ways to love yourself while loving others.

Where Does “You Must Love Yourself First” Come From?

The idea has roots in self-help, popular psychology, and spiritual traditions that emphasize self-worth. It grew popular because it points to something real: people who feel worthless often struggle in relationships. They may cling, withdraw, or tolerate mistreatment because they do not believe they deserve better.

But the saying became a slogan, and slogans are blunt. Taken literally, it suggests that you must reach a state of complete self-love before you are allowed to date, commit, or care for someone. That standard is impossible. Almost no one loves themselves perfectly, and many people learn to love themselves partly through healthy relationships.

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So, Is It True?

The honest answer is: partly. Self-worth matters deeply for relationships, but it is not an all-or-nothing requirement. You do not need to love yourself perfectly to love someone well. You do, however, need enough self-respect to set boundaries, be honest, tolerate imperfection, and avoid using your partner as your only source of worth.

Think of it less as a gate and more as a dial. The more you can love yourself, the easier it becomes to love others without fear, resentment, or desperation. But the dial moves over time, and relationships can turn it up or down.

You do not need to be fully healed to love well. You need to be honest about where you are healing.

7 Shocking Truths About Loving Yourself and Loving Others

1. You Can Love Someone Without Loving Yourself Perfectly

Many people with shaky self-esteem love their partners, children, and friends deeply. Love is not locked behind self-worth. The real issue is the quality of that love: whether it comes from security or fear, generosity or need.

If you struggle to love yourself, you are not incapable of love. You may simply need to watch for patterns that make love harder, such as people-pleasing, jealousy, and constant reassurance-seeking.

2. Low Self-Love Shows Up in Predictable Ways

When you do not love yourself, certain patterns often appear in relationships. You may chase approval, fear abandonment, avoid conflict, or feel unworthy of care. Psychologists describe how low self-worth can fuel anxious attachment and over-dependence.

Common signs include:

• Needing frequent reassurance that you are loved
• Saying yes when you mean no
• Staying with someone who treats you poorly
• Feeling jealous or threatened easily
• Hiding your needs to avoid rejection
• Believing love must be earned through performance

Noticing these patterns is not a failure. It is the first step toward changing them.

3. Self-Love Is Not Selfishness or Narcissism

Many people avoid trying to love themselves because it feels arrogant. But healthy self-love is very different from narcissism. Self-love involves valuing yourself, treating yourself with kindness, and accepting your flaws. Narcissism involves inflated self-image, entitlement, and a lack of empathy.

In fact, research by Kristin Neff and others suggests that self-compassion is associated with more caring behavior in romantic relationships, more acceptance of a partner, and less controlling behavior. When you can treat yourself kindly, you are often better able to extend kindness to others.

4. Relationships Can Help You Love Yourself

Here is the part the slogan leaves out: healthy love can heal. Being seen, accepted, and cared for by a safe partner can slowly change your beliefs about yourself. Many people discover that they begin to love themselves more because someone else treated them with patience and respect.

This is sometimes called “earned security” in attachment research: people who had insecure early experiences can become more secure through consistent, healthy relationships and therapy. You do not have to heal alone.

5. Self-Love Is Not a Permanent State

Even people with high self-esteem have days of doubt. Stress, rejection, illness, and loss can shake anyone. Waiting until you feel permanently confident before loving others means waiting forever.

A more realistic goal is a stable baseline of self-respect, plus the skills to recover when you feel low. You can love yourself imperfectly and still be a good partner.

6. You Cannot Make Your Partner Your Self-Worth

This truth is where the slogan has the most wisdom. When your partner becomes your only source of value, every argument feels like a threat to your identity. You may pressure them to constantly validate you, and they may feel exhausted by the responsibility.

No partner can fill an inner void. A healthy relationship adds to a life you already value. It does not replace one.

7. Loving Yourself Includes Having Standards

Self-love is not only bubble baths and affirmations. It includes boundaries, honesty, and the willingness to leave when you are mistreated. If you love yourself, you are more likely to say, “This is not okay with me.”

That is why learning to love yourself often changes who you date, how you argue, and what you will accept. It also changes how you treat your partner, because you stop expecting them to rescue you from yourself.

Self-Love vs. Narcissism vs. Self-Neglect

It helps to see the difference clearly.

Healthy self-love sits in the middle: neither inflated nor crushed.

How Low Self-Love Can Quietly Damage a Relationship

Low self-esteem does not always look sad. It can look controlling, defensive, or distant. A person who does not love themselves may test their partner, read criticism into neutral comments, or push someone away before they can be left.

Murray’s research on perceived regard suggests that people who doubt their worth may read ambiguous behavior as rejection, then respond with withdrawal or hostility, which can create the very distance they fear. Understanding this loop is powerful, because it shows that the problem is often the lens, not the love.

How to Love Yourself, Step by Step

Learning to love yourself is a skill, not a switch. Here are practical steps supported by psychology.

Practice self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would to a close friend. Kristin Neff describes three parts: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. When you make a mistake, try saying, “This is hard, and I am not alone in struggling.”

Set one small boundary. Start with something low-stakes, like declining a favor you do not want to do. Each boundary teaches your brain that your needs count.

Keep promises to yourself. Sleep, eat, move, and rest in ways you said you would. Self-trust builds self-respect.

Challenge the inner critic. Ask, “Would I say this to someone I love?” Replace harsh statements with fair ones.

Name your values. Knowing what matters to you anchors your worth in who you are, not how others react.

Invest in your own life. Friendships, hobbies, and goals create a sense of self that does not depend on a partner.

Consider therapy. Approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy and schema therapy can help you change deeply held beliefs about your worth.

How to Love Someone While You Are Learning to Love Yourself

You do not have to pause your relationships until you are “finished.” Instead, practice honesty and care along the way.

Be honest about your struggles. You can say, “I get insecure sometimes, and I am working on it.” Vulnerability builds trust.

Take responsibility for your reactions. If you feel jealous or anxious, notice it before blaming your partner.

Ask for support, not rescue. “Can you give me a hug?” is different from “Please prove you still love me.”

Do your own work. Counseling, journaling, and friendships relieve pressure on the relationship.

Notice progress. Celebrate small shifts, such as pausing before reacting.

Dating When You Do Not Love Yourself Yet

Dating can be healing or harmful, depending on how you approach it. Here are some guidelines.

• Do not look for someone to “fix” your self-esteem.
• Be careful of partners who feed on insecurity, such as those who criticize, control, or alternate between praise and disrespect.
• Choose people who respect your boundaries and treat you consistently.
• Take your time. Pace yourself and watch actions rather than promises.
• Stay connected to friends and support.

If you recognize that you tend to accept mistreatment, consider working with a therapist before or during dating.

What If Your Partner Does Not Love Themselves?

Loving someone who struggles with self-worth can be tender and tiring. You may want to fix them, reassure them, or protect them. But you cannot create their self-love for them.

You can offer steady kindness, honest feedback, and encouragement to seek support. You can also protect your own needs. If a partner depends on you to constantly validate them, becomes hostile when you set limits, or uses their pain to control you, it may be time to step back and seek guidance. Compassion does not mean unlimited availability.

When “Love Yourself First” Becomes an Excuse

The phrase can be misused. Some people say “I need to love myself first” to avoid accountability, end relationships without conversation, or dismiss a partner’s legitimate needs. Others use it to shame people who are struggling: “You cannot expect anyone to love you until you love yourself.”

Real self-love does not require abandoning others carelessly or blaming someone for not being “healed enough.” It involves honesty and kindness toward yourself and toward the people you love.

Signs You Are Starting to Love Yourself

Progress is often quiet. You may not wake up one day feeling transformed, but small changes add up. Here are signs that you are beginning to love yourself in a healthy way:

• You apologize when you are wrong, but you stop apologizing for existing.
• You can say no without a long explanation.
• You recover faster after criticism or rejection.
• You stop tolerating behavior that used to feel “normal.”
• You feel more comfortable alone, and more honest with others.
• You celebrate small wins instead of dismissing them.
• You treat your mistakes as lessons, not verdicts.

If you notice even one or two of these, you are already learning to love yourself, and your relationships will likely feel the difference.

Common Myths About Self-Love and Relationships

Myth: You must be fully healed to date. Healing continues throughout life, and healthy relationships can support it.

Myth: Self-love means never needing anyone. Healthy people need connection. Interdependence is not weakness.

Myth: If you love yourself, you will never feel insecure. Everyone has doubts. The difference is how quickly you recover.

Myth: Self-love is a feeling. It is better understood as a set of actions, such as respecting your limits, speaking kindly to yourself, and caring for your needs.

Myth: Loving yourself means ignoring your flaws. It means seeing them clearly without cruelty, and working on them with patience.

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A Simple Weekly Practice to Love Yourself Better

Try this five-part routine once a week, taking about fifteen minutes.

1. Notice. Write down one moment when you criticized yourself harshly.

2. Reframe. Rewrite that thought as you would for a friend.

3. Appreciate. List three things you did well, however small.

4. Choose. Pick one boundary or act of care for the coming week.

5. Share. Tell one trusted person how you are doing.

Over time, this practice helps you love yourself with more honesty and less pressure, and it keeps your relationships from carrying the full weight of your self-worth.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider speaking with a licensed therapist if you feel worthless most days, tolerate abuse, panic when someone pulls away, or cannot imagine being lovable. These feelings are common and treatable. If you ever feel hopeless or have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 in the United States at any time, or contact your local emergency number.

Frequently Asked Questions About Learning to Love Yourself

Can you love someone if you do not love yourself?

Yes. Many people love others deeply while struggling with self-worth. However, low self-love can create patterns like insecurity, people-pleasing, and over-dependence that make relationships harder.

Is it true that you must love yourself before you can love someone else?

It is partly true. Self-respect and self-compassion help you love in a healthy way, but you do not need perfect self-love first. Many people grow more self-loving through healthy relationships.

How do I love myself when I feel unlovable?

Start small: practice self-compassion, set gentle boundaries, keep small promises to yourself, and consider therapy. Change usually comes through repeated, kind actions, not one big breakthrough.

Should I stay single until I love myself?

Not necessarily. Time alone can be valuable, but healing also happens in healthy relationships. The key is not to use a partner as your only source of worth.

How do I know if I love myself enough to date?

If you can set basic boundaries, be honest about your needs, and cope with disappointment without losing your sense of worth, you may be ready. You do not need perfection.

Final Thoughts

So, can you love someone else if you do not love yourself? Yes, but you can love better when you do. The healthiest answer is not “wait until you are perfect” but “start where you are.” Practice kindness toward yourself, choose people who treat you well, and remember that learning to love yourself is a lifelong process that happens in solitude and in connection. You deserve both.

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Maren Lull is a singer-songwriter who writes from the places most people don’t talk about out loud.
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