Why Holding Grudges Destroys Relationships (And How to Let Go)
Holding grudges can feel like the only way to protect yourself after being hurt. You remember exactly what was said and what the room looked like. Part of you believes that if you let go, the person will think it was okay, or that it will happen again. So you keep the memory close, like a shield. The trouble is that shields are heavy, and they keep everyone at a distance.
Science shows the cost. In a well-known 2001 study from Hope College, psychologist Charlotte Witvliet and colleagues asked participants to dwell on a past hurt and to imagine forgiving the offender. Rehearsing hurtful memories and nursing a grudge raised heart rate, blood pressure, sweating, and facial tension, while forgiving thoughts calmed the body. Holding grudges, it turns out, is something your nervous system experiences as ongoing stress.
In this guide, you will learn why people hold grudges, seven ways holding grudges destroys relationships, how to tell a grudge from a healthy boundary, and a practical path to let go without pretending the hurt never happened.
What Is Holding Grudges, Really?
A grudge is a lingering resentment toward someone who hurt you, kept alive by remembering, retelling, and rehearsing the offense. It is not the same as feeling hurt. Hurt is a natural response to a real injury. Holding grudges begins when the hurt becomes a standing position: “I will not forget, I will not soften, and you will not be let off.”
Grudges often grow from real wrongs, which is why they feel so justified. Someone lied, forgot an important day, dismissed your feelings, or broke a promise. The grudge says, “This matters, and I am not going to pretend otherwise.” There is something right about that instinct. The problem is what holding grudges does with the energy. Instead of leading to repair, it turns into a quiet campaign of withdrawal, sarcasm, and scorekeeping.
It also helps to know what grudges are not. They are not boundaries, which are about protecting your safety going forward. They are not accountability, which asks for change. And they are not the same as grief. A grudge is a way of staying stuck in the moment of injury.
Why We Hold Grudges
If holding grudges hurts us, why do we do it? Understanding the reasons can be the first step toward changing it.
To protect ourselves. If you stay wary, you will not be caught off guard again. A grudge feels like armor.
To keep a sense of justice. Letting go can feel like saying the wrong did not matter. A grudge says, “This was unfair, and I will not let it disappear.”
To avoid vulnerability. Anger is safer than sadness. It is easier to stay mad than to admit you were deeply hurt.
To protect a story about who we are. Some people build an identity around being wronged. Letting go would mean giving up a familiar role.
None of these reasons makes you a bad person. They make you human. But they also show that holding grudges is usually about protecting something tender, and there are safer ways to do that.
A grudge is a wound that has learned to look like armor.
The Science of Holding Grudges
Researchers have studied the toll of grudges from several angles. The first is the body. Beyond Witvliet’s findings, studies on forgiveness and health, including work by Loren Toussaint and colleagues, link forgiveness with lower stress and better wellbeing. Chronic resentment keeps the stress response switched on.
The second is the mind. Psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema studied rumination, the habit of replaying negative events and feelings over and over. Rumination tends to deepen sadness and anger instead of solving anything, and it is the engine of most grudges.
The third is the relationship itself. Psychologist Robert Weiss described “negative sentiment override,” a state in which negativity is so strong that even neutral or kind behavior gets read as hostile. John Gottman has shown that contempt, a mix of disgust and superiority, is among the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. Holding grudges feeds both, because it trains the mind to scan for proof that you were right to be angry.
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7 Ways Holding Grudges Destroys Relationships
Few couples break up over a single wound. They break from the slow accumulation of resentment that never gets cleared. Here are seven ways holding grudges does its damage.
1. It Turns Love Into Scorekeeping
Healthy relationships run on generosity. Psychologist Margaret Clark distinguished between communal relationships, where partners give out of care, and exchange relationships, where they track who owes what. Holding grudges pushes a couple toward the second kind. You start keeping a ledger: who apologized last, who did more, who is owed.
Scorekeeping poisons small acts of kindness, because every favor becomes a transaction. It also guarantees that no one wins. The person with the longest list is just the loneliest one in the room.
2. It Breeds Contempt
Contempt grows from resentment. It shows up as eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, and the quiet sense that your partner is beneath you. Gottman’s research identifies it as the single best predictor of divorce among what he calls the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown.
When holding grudges hardens into contempt, even simple conversations feel like attacks. Your partner senses the disgust, and they either defend, withdraw, or return it. The relationship becomes a place where neither of you feels respected.
3. It Makes You Misread Everything
This is negative sentiment override in action. When you are holding grudges, your mind tends to interpret everything through the old injury. A thoughtful gift looks like a bribe. A late reply looks like proof of neglect. A smile looks fake.
Your partner can do almost everything right and still not get credit, because the evidence is filtered. That is exhausting for both of you.
4. It Blocks Intimacy and Vulnerability
You cannot be fully close to someone while guarding yourself against them. Holding grudges keeps part of you permanently on watch, which means part of you is always missing from the relationship. Affection feels risky, and honesty feels unsafe.
Over time, partners stop sharing their feelings, because it never seems to land. The relationship may look intact, but it becomes polite and distant, like two roommates who remember every injury.
5. It Turns Every Fight Into the Same Fight
When old hurts have never been resolved, they surface in every argument. A disagreement about dishes turns into “And you also forgot my birthday three years ago.” Couples therapists call this kitchen-sinking, throwing everything into the argument.
The effect is that nothing ever gets solved. Your partner cannot fix a fight when it is secretly about a dozen unresolved ones. Holding grudges keeps the past permanently in the present, so the relationship can never move forward.
6. It Harms Your Own Health and Mood
The person most affected by a grudge is often the one holding it. Rumination and resentment are linked with anxiety, low mood, poor sleep, and physical tension. You may find yourself replaying a conversation at 3 a.m., rehearsing speeches you will never give, or feeling a flash of anger at a memory years old.
This is the paradox of holding grudges: it is meant to punish the other person, but your body pays most of the bill. The wrong happened once, but you relive it repeatedly.
7. It Teaches Your Partner That Repair Is Pointless
If every apology is met with another reminder, your partner learns that nothing they do will ever be enough. Some give up trying. Others become defensive, or they start hiding mistakes to avoid punishment.
Gottman has shown that successful couples make and accept “repair attempts,” small gestures that de-escalate tension, like an apology, a joke, or a touch. Holding grudges means refusing the repair, and a relationship without repair cannot heal.
Holding Grudges vs. Healthy Boundaries
Not every lingering feeling is a grudge. Sometimes, staying cautious is wise, especially if the hurt was serious or is still happening. The difference lies in what the feeling does for you.
- Boundary: “I will not tolerate this again, and here is what I will do if it happens.” Grudge: “I will make you pay for what you did.”
- Boundary: Focused on the future and on your safety. Grudge: Focused on the past and on punishment.
- Boundary: Communicated clearly. Grudge: Expressed through sarcasm, silence, or reminders.
- Boundary: Leaves room for repair when change is real. Grudge: Leaves no room for anything.
If your partner has been abusive, controlling, or unsafe, caution is not a grudge. It is protection. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233, or you can text START to 88788. In immediate danger, call 911. The advice in this article is meant for the ordinary, painful hurts of close relationships, not for situations where your safety is at risk.
Signs You Are Holding a Grudge
Because holding grudges often feels like being right, it can be hard to see in yourself. Ask honestly whether any of these sound familiar:
- You bring up old mistakes during unrelated arguments.
- You feel a spike of anger when a certain memory returns.
- You keep a mental list of their failures.
- You use silence, sarcasm, or distance to “remind” them.
- You say “I have forgiven you” but still feel the same resentment.
If several of these ring true, you are not a villain. You are someone who is hurting and has not yet found a way to put the hurt down.
How to Let Go When You Have Been Holding Grudges
Letting go is not a single decision. It is a series of small ones. Try these seven steps at your own pace.
Step 1: Name the Wound
Write down exactly what happened and how it affected you. Be specific: “When you canceled our anniversary dinner without calling, I felt unimportant.” Naming the wound turns a vague cloud of resentment into something you can address.
Step 2: Feel the Softer Feeling Underneath
Anger often covers sadness, fear, or shame. Ask yourself, “What am I really afraid of?” You might discover that beneath the grudge is a simple longing: to feel valued, safe, or chosen. Naming the softer feeling lowers the intensity of the anger.
Step 3: Ask for What You Need
Many grudges survive because the hurt was never fully expressed or repaired. Tell your partner what happened and what would help. Use a soft startup: describe the event, how you felt, and what you need. For example, “I have been holding onto how I felt when plans changed last month. I would like us to talk about it.”
Step 4: Try Some Understanding
Psychologist Everett Worthington’s REACH model for forgiveness includes empathy: trying to see what your partner might have been feeling. Understanding is not excusing. It simply makes room for a more complete picture of the person than the one the grudge paints.
Step 5: Rewrite the Grievance Story
Forgiveness researcher Frederic Luskin points out that we often tell ourselves a “grievance story,” replaying the offense and our victimhood. Retelling it differently, with attention to what you learned, how you survived, and what you want now, loosens its grip. You are not denying the hurt. You are shifting from “what was done to me” to “what I choose next.”
Step 6: Set Boundaries for the Future
Letting go does not mean letting it happen again. Decide what you need to feel safe, such as honest communication, changes in behavior, or space, and share it calmly. A boundary gives your mind a reason to relax, because you know you will respond if the pattern repeats.
Step 7: Release It in a Concrete Way
Pick a ritual that marks the shift, like writing a letter and tearing it up, or saying aloud what you are releasing. Rituals give your brain a clear signal that the chapter is closing. If the memory returns, label it (“that is the old story”) and let it pass.
Letting go is not saying it did not hurt. It is saying you refuse to keep hurting.
What to Say When You Are Ready to Talk
Words can be the hardest part. Here are some starting points you can adapt:
- “I have been holding on to something, and I would like to put it down with you.”
- “I realize I keep bringing up the past, and I want us to deal with it so we can move forward.”
- “I am sorry for the way I have been holding this over you. Can we start fresh?”
Choose a calm time, not the middle of an argument. Listen as well as speak. The goal is not to win but to be understood.
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What If Your Partner Is Holding Grudges Against You?
Living with a partner’s grudges can feel like walking on eggshells. You may apologize repeatedly and never feel forgiven. Or you may feel punished through silence, sarcasm, or coldness.
Start by taking responsibility for what you did, without defending or minimizing. Ask what they need to feel heard, and consider whether there is something you have not yet acknowledged. If you have made a sincere effort and the resentment continues, you can say gently: “I understand you are still hurt, and I am willing to keep working on this. I also need us to find a way to move forward.” Couples counseling can help when one partner cannot let go.
When Holding Grudges Is Too Heavy to Carry Alone
Some grudges are rooted in deep injuries, such as infidelity, betrayal, or long-term neglect, and they may not melt with willpower alone. If rumination is taking over your days, if you cannot sleep, or if you feel hopeless about the relationship, a licensed therapist can help.
Approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy, emotionally focused couples therapy, and the Gottman Method are designed to help people process hurt and rebuild trust. Seeking help is a sign of commitment, not weakness.
If you ever feel hopeless or think about harming yourself, please reach out right away: in the United States, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, at any time.
FAQ: Holding Grudges
Why does holding grudges destroy relationships?
Holding grudges keeps old hurts alive, which fuels scorekeeping, contempt, and misreading of your partner’s behavior. It blocks intimacy and repair, turns arguments into repeats of old fights, and keeps both people on guard. Over time, the relationship becomes more about the past than the present.
Is holding grudges a form of self-protection?
It can feel that way, and it often begins as protection. But a clear boundary protects you better than a grudge does. Boundaries focus on future safety, while grudges keep you tied to the original hurt without necessarily making you safer.
How do I stop holding grudges when I still feel hurt?
Start by naming the hurt and the feeling beneath the anger, then share what you need with your partner. Practice small releases, such as a letter, a ritual, or a conversation with a therapist. Letting go happens in stages, and feelings often lag behind decisions.
Can a relationship recover from years of holding grudges?
Many can, when both people are willing to talk honestly, make repairs, and change old patterns. Couples counseling often helps. Recovery tends to be gradual, with progress on some days and setbacks on others.
Does letting go mean I have to stay with my partner?
No. Letting go of a grudge is about your own peace, not about whether you stay. You can release resentment and still decide that the relationship is not right for you. Safety, respect, and trust still matter.
Final Thoughts
Holding grudges often begins as a way to protect a heart that was hurt. But over time, it keeps that heart locked inside the moment of injury. Letting go does not erase what happened. It simply stops the past from running the present. If your relationship is worth keeping, you may find that the first step is to put down the stone you have been carrying, and see who is still there to hold your hand.
Save this article for the next time resentment rises. Share it with someone who is tired of carrying an old hurt. Follow Truthsinside.com for more honest insight into relationships and psychology.
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Maren Lull is a singer-songwriter who writes from the places most people don’t talk about out loud.
Not the dramatic grief. Not the obvious heartbreak. The quiet kind — the ordinary Tuesday emptiness, the habit of reaching for someone who isn’t there anymore, the particular exhaustion of being strong for so long that the strength itself wears thin.
Her music lives at the intersection of emotional honesty and soft beauty — breathy vocals over gentle piano, slow tempos, lyrics that feel less like songs and more like something you wrote in a private notebook at two in the morning and never showed anyone.
Maren Lull writes for the people who feel everything deeply and say very little about it. For the ones who listen to sad music not because they want to feel worse — but because being understood, even by a song, makes the feeling easier to carry.
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